I smell friendship…

Dear Friend, When you asked if you could stop by last night I was pleased to share your company. It’s always fun; we laugh, joke about life, share stories, and compare favorite songs. Although you pointed out my tired eyes weren’t so smiley, you were sweet (wise) to stop with only one observation of my – um… sleepless stress. I was jealous of your workout schedule this week. But you reminded me that I should let myself off the hook this time. So, after you left I poured myself a glass of wine and sat down in front of my ‘functional’ monitor (yes, it’s STILL scared). Maybe you couldn’t see past my tired eyes – how blessed I felt that your thought of me and what little (HUGE) act could lift my weary spirit. Did you know I needed your gift? How could you? I was being frugal – careful to use my precious pennies for “boyz stuff” rather than invest in myself. (duh, I'm a mom.) Then again, you smiled after seeing your gift was perfect; one look revealed that I was burning the clear liquid down to the last ounce available. WOW – a set of three! I can’t believe it … Thank you for supplying, well supporting, um encouraging my … aromatic habit therapy! Can you ever fully appreciate how your thoughtfulness makes me *sniff* smile? Thanks for that too. I think? That’s what friends are for -- bringing a new candle when yours is nearly burnt out!!! Mmmm… I’m craving Crème Brule.

HonuGirl

Tuesday... Wednesday ...

Is today Thursday ??

Because I just don't know.

Hey, look a calendar. Okay. So it's barely Thursday.

Routines are good. They remind of where you are going to be on a given day.

Only, when something messes up the routine ~ there's mental chaos.

I will not make light of my kid's fever. He's miserable.

Therefore... I am miserable.

I am living through the moments. Recounting what I can remember.

As it seems the week is more than half over and I missed it.

The thermometer thing - that's getting old. (he's nearly 11, yes orally)

He's too sick to eat - how disappointing (I'm too tired to cook anyway)!

Jeffrey may have only had carrots and milk for dinner - oh, he had ranch dressing too.

At 5'-1' sick kid is curled in a ball on the couch - poor little guy.

Now his throat hurts and he can't swallow tiny fever reducer/pain relievers - the liquid made him gag (and... ack. me too).

He is worried that his spelling words are still at school - I email his teacher; she's proud of his dedication.

What now ... freaky dreams; he refuses audibly to go with me - fears that I'm taking him to an undisclosed location - he doesn't remember the next morning.

Such empathy from his little brother - this is so rare, I watch - amazed (until my eyes slam shut from lack of sleep).

Sleep patterns ... what patterns? He's awake from 4am - 7am; nice nap on the couch at noon though.

Workout? What workout - I don't even know which direction to turn today; last I heard it was left... but that was yesday, no Tuesday.

Somewhere between then and now Monday became . . . um.

What day is it again?

HonuGirl

Wishes for a Monday...

Journey to Authenticity...

Live From Your Heart! Your skin may be the largest organ of your body – but it is merely the surface; the part that others can see of you. So much so, that a joke or a smile can disguise great pain on the inside. Your skin is but a shell of yourself. You are charged to protect it, to care for it; you may even go to great lengths to maintain a youthful appearance. It’s lovely that your shell can be attired with expensive clothing, perfected by stunning makeup or adorned with exquisite jewels – but does this make you truly alive, engaged in life? Does all that provide any indication of what it’s like to really live? Often we smile on the outside when we are hurting inside. This is necessary for a time… when a positive expectation or attitude can yield positive results or an effective outcome. It should not be allowed to hide your truth for a lifetime – hiding will begin to destroy your self trust. We must not allow ourselves to be confused by 'good attitude' over authenticity! Live from your heart! Your heart is unseen by others – not a large organ but without it you cannot live. To disguise what resides there, may reap disastrous results. Your heart is the core of your being … physically, emotionally, spiritually. You are trained by experiences whether good or bad to guard or share it, hide or expose it, close or open it – doubt or trust the heart’s response. If you guard, hide, close or doubt yourself from your core, you may find that your heart is no longer engaged in reality. Then you will die certain death, because without a heart the body cannot survive and similarly without engaging your heart – you cannot truly live!! Matters of the heart are a delicate topic, as people rarely find it easy to expose their true selves – honestly identifying that they have been wounded in the past by another person’s words, deeds or attitudes. It’s not uncommon to want to be strong and assume that continued endurance is reflective of great strength. In believing only that, we then begin pretending that the way we chose to deal with our heart is common… doesn't everyone live this way? Conversely, when we are faced with feelings of love for someone we initially are afraid to let down our guard and openly risk the truth of the heart. Worrying whether we should be first to admit the depth of these feelings. Do you risk exposure of the unguarded heart? What if the truth is not well-received or worse, not reciprocated? We doubt our worth to be loved, we hide what we truly feel, and could ultimately close the door to authenticity again. I submit that the risk to be authentic is worth the price you must pay to achieve it. Even if it brings with it unsettling fear, a daunting journey into uncharted territory or worst of all rejection, you will experience life – authentically. It is then that you will see the contrast. A bitter-sweet perspective. You can feel the pain because you are alive... the worst pain you "feel" on any given day is better than being numb for the rest of your life!!! Being alive to feel the pain, you can also truly feel joy or love or pleasure. Hold onto the hope that one day you may find the true identity of love without limits… unconditional and fulfilling. The small details of life will begin to have meaning, bring pieces of clarity, and understanding – the picture develops more clearly all the time. Feel the fear… do it anyway. The look in the eyes of another when you are first to risk your love is a beautiful thing. The truth lived well brings new faith; a hope that things to come will be better than that which you have lived so far. Choose to live authentically – take a risk; find the joy of living from your heart!

j.entry 7.4.2006

HonuGirl

Wednesday - Story - Part 2

Divine Day I have this habit of being irritatingly human – although secretly hoping for heroine. Uh-huh. Yeah. Actually, I’m known to be extremely distracted and a little bit snarky; newsflash – I admit to being human girl. (Read Tuesday's post... which was a belated posted as Blogger and I fought over PUBLISH and SAVE functions... GRR. I think I won, eventually!) I am a girl who believes (truly) knows that God has divinely designed and memorized the cover of the box for my personal puzzle called life; He created the puzzle, therefore, whether I see the big picture or not – I trust that through His eyes I can place the puzzle pieces as they were creatively designed to fit! ~ Today is Wednesday. Different from recent mornings, and specifically last night, Wednesday began easily. I felt fresh, aware and rested. Pressure relief valve must have been installed during sleep. Whew. It’s true – no heaviness or residual worries from Tuesday’s questions, frustrations or unaddressed decisions; no concerns for the weight of the world to-do list that nearly crushed me. A moment of thanks for relief… God is good. Remember this – you always have a choice – it is a gift. I choose life! I choose blessings. I choose gratitude. I choose a heroine attitude. I choose to accept any challenge that dare face me today!! Divine awakening. ~ Whoo Hoo!! It’s a new day, a new attitude, a new affirmation. After all, I trust God for all things in my life – they are all in His control. Heard the saying… let go, let God? I’m living it. Divide attitude. ~ My day continued… On task and on-time, I left for my workout. Bonus – I remembered, ahem, everything necessary for the day. I began driving my route to the gym. After a quick push of the radio button and a momentary wait for a song to begin… my index finger hovered over the preset buttons – just in case I felt fickle about the music, style or artist or words – I waited a moment to decide about this song. After the first stanza; I was engaged... I choose to listen:

“Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning? and Who told the ocean you can only come this far? and Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening? Whose words alone can catch a falling star?”

As her voice that rang out these words – it was as close to being with angels as I could imagine; she sang with such melodious power and grace; I allowed myself to concentrate on the words of the song. Touched to the core of my being by the words, the affirmations, the truths – I felt transported onto a glorious cloud – as if experiencing the song through soul, not ears. Incredible!! Tears trickled down my cheeks as I heard the words of the song uphold all that I believe – the decisions I have to make are miniscule compared with what it took to create my world. Oh, the power to place the universe in order… {I’m silently relieved that my instinct to change stations was reversed by my spirit’s voice – “wait for it, listen for it… peace will come.”} Divine thought. Be still and know He is God! Psalm 46:10 ~ I was still covered by goose bumps head to toe when I arrived and parked my car; I couldn’t turn it off until the last note gently returned my blessed encouraged and fulfilled soul back to my driver’s seat. Wow. Again. WOW!!! The DJ’s voice now announcing Nicole Mullen as the artist; I commit to download her song tonight. Divine song. After another genuine thank you spoken aloud to God for loving me through song… I walked inside the gym to workout, not quite the same person I was when I awoke 2 hours earlier. AND happy to be a little early! ~ Leaving the gym I drove to work (no errands today). In route, my thoughts focused on a good friend of mine… oddly enough I began an inner conversation – thinking it would be good share my latest journey; share about the song; and also ask her opinion on a few undecided things; hmm... Later though. A couple hours into my workday, where strangely, I was not alone (rudely confirmed by the excessive noise from the crew sanding in the back room). It was difficult to even hear the radio. Two of the three owners appeared and departed. Yet, I remained surprisingly focused. It seemed I would finish work early today, nice. Shortly before leaving, my phone rang – smiling as I answered; I’m not surprised that it’s the friend I was planning to call later. It’s that kind of day. Our conversation was brief. She had news to share. I talked about the song – she is close friends with the artist. I’m delighted to hear her story of Nicole. I asked my questions – received her great insight; we arranged to email on another topic and said goodbye. This was an appointment of spirit collaboration and certainly not coincidence! I needed to hear the confidence she shared in answering my questions. What blessings I’ve received today! Divine conversation. ~ Night falls. I remain amazed by Wednesday’s divine events. Briefly I recalled a number of choices that allowed for a puzzle piece of life to be discovered and placed into its divine location of life's puzzle. “As if by design,” I giggle knowing it was ALL about me today. Sometimes God hears the pray of a human girl and creates a day for a heroine. Divine relief. ~ I choose to walk courageously through life. Living in the moment, for the future. I commit to let go of the past and let God select the future piece of the puzzle for placement! Just like that sleep is close and I rest my head on my purple pillow - relieved to know that the weight of the world was not mine to carry anyway. Human girl, living heroine-like on a Divine day.

HonuGirl

Tuesday - Story - Part 1...

Where the heck is it? I am desperately looking for a pressure relief valve. Got relief? No kiddin'. I am about to blow off the steam and somebody could get hurt. =\ What pressure you say? Let’s see. That self-applied, stressful kind… pushing me to accomplish, succeed, inspire, achieve… “just do it” and “be all you can be.” ALL = be everything to everyone. (aka ... pressure cooker) Yes, that’s it! Nothing too big to tackle. Hah!!! Suffice it to say, I have maintained a positive attitude more often than not (really). I've held the line when my grip was weak. I've stood in the face of adversity when it was easier (not better) to succumb. And for the most precious and amazing thing: I've found the gleam of childish delight behind the eyes of two boys, whom I've never known so authentically. Personally speaking, I avoid the victim role. I’d rather be a heroine in the story. I want to uplift, encourage, believe in, support and yes, rescue others from their lowest places. I want to make a difference. Leave a legacy. Be a person of influence. I want to overflow with blessings so that I can share the excess with anyone I touch. ~ Today is Tuesday. I’m lost in thought. I ponder what image will be reflected in when life's puzzle is complete. It is my desire to create the image as it was meant to be for this new family unit of three. I am barely able to admit I have been feeling minutely discouraged; my vision is blurry. Yes, a wee bit whiny even (voice sounding slightly discontent). I’m happy. No mistake. I’m grateful. Although I am frustrated that my rose-colored glasses are tweaked; darn lenses appear old and yellow and every thing is a creepy color… worse yet, and I am not very fond of yellow. While looking at life through those yellow lenses – difficulty is easy to identify. Life’s challenges loom like treacherous mountains. The prospect of change feels as impossible as extreme sports would for the non-athletic. Just like a pressure cooker with no valve – hey, still looking here! Then come the hurdles of unanswered questions – how? what if? when? why? where? seriously? Oh fine. Since I’m being honest. Prepare for the whining: but I want to… it would be easier if … that will take too long… do I have to… whahhhhhhhhh! ~ Tonight I will remember to wear my tooth guard for grinding. So long, treacherous thoughts of Tuesday. Tomorrow, I continue my search… without glasses! "Lord, can I get some help on that pressure relief valve! Seriously!!"

So much for that heroine spirit. Sigh!

HonuGirl

Story later...

I'm speechless! Nicole Mullen - Redeemer Who taught the sun where to stand in the morning? and Who told the ocean you can only come this far? and Who showed the moon where to hide 'til evening? Whose words alone can catch a falling star? Well I know my Redeemer lives I know my Redeemer lives: All of creation testifies This life within me cry I know my Redeemer lives, yeah. The very same God that spins things in orbit runs to the weary, the worn and the weak And the same gentle hands that hold me when I'm broken They conquered death to bring me victory Now I know my Redeemer lives I know my Redeemer lives Let all creation testify Let this life within we cry I know my Redeemer, He lives To take away my shame And He lives forever, I'll proclaim That the payment for my sin Was the precious life He gave But now He's alive and There's an empty grave. And I know my Redeemer lives I know my Redeemer lives Let all creation testify Let this life within me cry I know my Redeemer, I know my Redeemer I know my Redeemer lives I know my Redeemer lives I know that I know that I know that I know that I know my redeemer lives Because He lives I can face tomorrow I Know I know He lives He lives yeah, yeah I spoke with him this morning He lives He lives, the tomb is empty, He lives I gotta tell everybody

Patience...

Popsicles or Polish?

I shuttered as I listened to yet another cry of impatience from my boy (pick one, either one they both resemble this remark)… hummmph. I paused for a moment. My mind shot off into its own little diatribe of “when??? What do you mean, WHEN???” Haven’t you noticed the things I do for you? … _________ [ insert here a reminder list of multitudes of mothering activities, nurturing, caretaking, bandaging, feeding, transporting, toy purchasing, housekeeping, and uhh the list goes on ad infinitum. ]. Yet you [dare] suggest that I am not doing something fast enough to accommodate your needs? grrr. =/ Thank God. That only occurred inside my head. Whew. The chance of my blurting out toxic waste passed safely without injury!! I know this because there is a distinct absence of that disgusting flavor of toenail polish from having stuck my purple-painted, toe ring adorned, foot into my noxious mouth – only to have to remove it later and reapply polish (and scrape my tongue … eww). However. The comments never left my subconscious mind. I mentally worked on the scenarios of “impatience” for some time. "How long until this goes away... it still hurts" – upon applying medicine and bandage to road rash (knee to calf) from Jeffrey’s bike incident. "Why can’t I have a popsicle now." [at 9:30 am] “Why did this happen? Why did that chain have to brake when I was riding?” – upon applying medicine and bandage on both scraped elbows after Jason flew over handlebars riding a friend’s bike. "It will take 8 weeks of allowance before I can buy [insert Lego set name here]; why can't you just get it for me now, then I'll pay you back" ~ It came to me rather abruptly while washing my hair. Dang suds; they must have cleansed the build up in my brain. Right there with wet hair my mind began an internal conversation. A mind is a wonderful thing – sometimes – pain in the butt at others! Mine began to replay some of my conversations with God. Of which, I’m too embarrassed to list many, but there is an uncanny resemblance to some from my kids. Hmmm. “Do I really have to feel such pain while healing?” “When will I get a break?” “I can’t wait until… “

“Seriously, need help here!!” I recognized that He could so easily respond with that “reminder list” of how I dare not notice His blessings ... yada yada. It could be: He might pointedly question how can you be so ungrateful for safety through the Red Sea of your life? Do you not appreciate the comfort I offered when you felt alone? Where is the gratitude for the gift of cherished friends who supported, loved, encouraged and shared so practically with you? Will you continue to ask me “when” I plan to bless you MORE?? ~ And with that – in His infinite wisdom and perfect timing – my Heavenly Father spoke silence to my impatience with impatience. ~ Alrighty then.

Hey, if you need me, I’ll be painting my toenails while the boys eat popsicles (after lunch).

HonuGirl

About the Twins...

Discussions of future, hope halted.

I remember it well. It was supposed to be a happy day.

There was one, not so momentous, but certainly exciting thing to-do on my list that day.

• coffee w/Shari - my house (surrogacy)

Oh, the anticipation of being part of someone's life dream . . . I was humbled, shaking with joy.

We were going to discuss in detail the nitty gritty of my being a gestational surrogate. (That's the type where I'm providing the womb - she & her husband bring the genes.) I would once again try to convince her that I knew what I was offering. This was something her damaged heart had long ago stolen - as it would not be able to support carrying her dream of new life through all nine months. My heart confirmed my words: yes, I know this one thing I was meant to do. All soul-searching was further blessed by a confident spirit and not a bone in my body had a doubt. I was excited for 9.11.01 to arrive – I had envisioned a friend, a latte, and laughter… always, laughter with us. I would finally see the elation on my friend's face that I had only heard in her disbelieving voice over the phone... "will you really - you're serious? I can't believe you!" ~

The radio sounded that morning had come; in the moments that followed I was stunned by what I heard. I listened in disbelief to such shocking news. 9.11.01 had arrived. And my simple, life-blessing day of joy took a turn in a horrifying direction. Discussions weren't of happiness, great joy, but of tragedy and loss. Neither Shari nor I could possibly think of anything but Twin Towers and the Pentagon; of planes, people and . . . I'm sure you remember it all too well. Prayer. Heartfelt mourning. Sadness. Grief. Prayer.

~

Our coffee date was rescheduled. Slowly, we began to focus again. Hope was nurtured. We discussed the future. Through technology, prayer, and miracles. It happened. Babies in womb. Months of waiting. 10.2002 Twins arrived: Will & Mac ~ It has been seven years.

Time flies. Shari sent me an email yesterday. Five-year-old Will asked if she remembered when he grew in her tummy.

"Weeeell... " read more: Dish - by Shari

Memories revisited. The twins will be six-years-old next month. ~ Hope of a future in the midst of tragic memories. I wonder if Shari can meet for coffee this week? Maybe we'll have a moment of silence remembering people affected by the Twins that fell - if her twins will allow for a moment of silence to fall. Jeremiah 29:11

HonuGirl

It Happened One Night, I started a blog…

It’s a L O N G story. I said that about 3 times today. But then again, I don’t remember. I was VERY late to the gym this morning. Poor King was worried. Sorry! My alarm sounded, but it was not enough to wake me. I awoke barely in time to get the boys ready for school. However, it took forever to do basic things to “get ready” for the day. I was lucky I remembered today was Tuesday and turned left – I go to a different gym one day a week. I didn’t have the wherewithal to be in step class though. I’m sure it would have been entertaining for the others, as I would have fallen on my butt – or maybe missed the step going forward and fell on my face; either way – way too much embarrassment and pain for me. When I arrived at the gym I chose to use the elliptical machine … where feet stay firmly in one place and move with the machine – a much safer choice. Why so sleepy? Nope, it was not the sprinklers. It happened last night – I think? I was up late writing… a blog; well, actually shamelessly flaunting pix online of cute kids in my family. It must have been about 1:30am. I heard distinctive bunk-bed noises that usually mean someone is having a bad dream and is about to get up. I checked. It was Jason. Not dreams. He had a bloody nose and needed to get up to take care of it. “Good thing you are already awake, Mom.” Yeah, timing is everything. That was when it began. Sleeplessness. As we took the appropriate measures to care for his nose, there was a quiet knocking at the door. Huh? Yeah, exactly what we both thought at 1:40 in the morning!! Jason was immediately suggesting who it could and couldn’t be based on the height of the knocking and the pattern of the knock. I handed him my cell phone with a knowing look and nod… then walked to the front door to look through the peep hole. A visibly frantic 20-something girl – who I recognized as my neighbor’s niece – was nervously wringing her hands and shifting on her feet. I opened the door and she immediately gushed out apologies for lateness and such… describing a tale of her mother stuck on a freeway across town walking in the cold; by the sounds of it - she was barely more hysterical than her daughter standing before me. The girl asked for assistance and used the phone to call her uncle at work as she would need to borrow his car to help her mom (his sister). He works about 2 miles from my apartment. This sounds like an interaction that would ordinarily be only a few minutes, but was actually a 20 or 30 minute ordeal. The Mother couldn’t describe where she was - exactly. The battery was dying on her cell phone. The more she talked, the farther she walked, and the more disturbed she became. The daughter calmed herself when she finally identified a landmark described by her Mother – she recognized that location and was relieved to let her mother hang up. She needed a ride to the Uncle’s car. Jason observed while using nearly a whole box of tissues on his nose… he said “wow Mom, you’re like the Good Samaritan”. Oh my. Would it be possible to rest? No – Jason was hungry. He picked something light to eat. It was now 2:15am. Finally it was quiet; all was finished. That is except Jason’s nose; it took some time for it to stop. We sat together and read a book while he held a cool cloth on his face and pinched the exact spot to slow things down. Whew!!! Soon it really was over. Jeffrey long asleep. Jason comfortably in bed. Computer in sleep mode. Doors locked. Make up off. Lights out. I think it was about 2:45am when I slid under the covers. AUGHHH – Oh my gosh … I didn’t finish my blog!

HonuGirl

Can they BE any cuter?

"Where's you? " That's what she said ... right after she saw this picture on my camera. Naturally, I had to accomodate her... Which is when I took this ... Oh... who, you ask is this lovely little one? Sorry, where are my manners. Blog, meet Maty. Maty is my 2 year old, uh-umm, "great" niece. {Yes, I have a nephew whose old enough to be married with a child.} She's still my niece, who is ... great. This is my Nephew, Mathew, and his wife, Miranda. Matlyn is their sweet little girl. They live south of Corvallis. Where they share space with a horse, some goats, half a dozen chickens, 2 dogs, a hot tub and a play structure -- in short, a little slice of heaven on earth. Which I was delighted to discover while attending the family BBQ this weekend. You see, Blog, I simply couldn't help myself. Maty was such a willing subject. Um, then again, maybe she was a little worried about the number of extended family members who had invaded... It was as if she followed me everywhere. hmmm. I secretly wondered if she knew that I had my camera at the ready. I am a sucker for random displays of 'cuteness'. Uh-oh, then enter ... her cousins! Jeffrey and Aaron covering their cousin Maty with sand. She's having SOOO much fun hmm... or perhaps demonstrating a damsel in distress??? Next, she wanted to introduce me to her horse, Tess. It was nice that she agreed to let her Mom hold cousin NaKysha (my 1 yr old niece) However. This lasted only a few minutes... when Maty decided she didn't want her Mom to hold any one else who qualified for "cuteness" photos. To keep the cuteness equation in tact ... we put Cutie 1 yr + Cutie 2 yr together and captured the sum of absolutely adorable!! Until ... yep - that look on NaKysha says it all. "THE look" that says ... I'm done with this cute session, now!!

Moving right along ... Uncle Steve (Grandpa to Maty) NaKysha's mom, is my sister Tammy. After about 50 pix of these two cuties on my camera. My boys were worried that I wanted a girl. NAHHH... I can't have them thinking like that... I wouldn't trade all the girl cuteness in the world for my boys -- who break through the perimeter of the fence, track down a snake, delivering it to me with such pride! NO WAY! I love that my boys will be boys!! Besides, check these out for cuteness.

What a shameless display of family fun!!

HonuGirl