Starting over...

I am really quite done with feeling sick now. Ugghhh.

It's gone full circle. Today I feel as bad as I did the first day it hit me. 

I think that's a sign that it's over. That makes sense, eh?

Yet, I'm feeling

Let's see… how will I ever catch up on the days not able to blog.

Uh-huh. Right. I won't.

I will simply draw a line and start from here.

 

---

Jason's birthday was this week. We celebrated Wednesday as he was going to be with his Dad on Thursday. I had been really excited to give him his presents – one of which I bought on craigslist months ago (iPod Shuffle).  I could only hope that he would be happy.

I say that because his wish list indicated he wanted items more than 2x the budget I had available.  Isn't that always the case?  hmmm.

However, I watched his authentic expression of surprise, gratitude and love upon opening his gift. 

He then ran out the charge playing songs all day long (sharing the earphones with his brother – too kind).

There's more... he wrote me a thank you note. 

No! I did not request one (maybe years of training to write them for family; yes I admit to that)… however, I was simply blessed and amazed by the written gift of gratitude. It makes it was worth the labor pains 11 years ago – wait, I can thank him for that too… he was so anxious to arrive the labor was only 2½ hours and a then some pushes!!! =) 

Man I love that kid!

~

Alright what if I admit to being worried that I wouldn't meet his birthday "expectations" this week? 

Fearing that he would be unhappy? 

I already knew he was "lit up" over a gift he was allowed to select for himself (at the Lego store) purchased by another gift buyer … a budget higher than he was used to … I held back my anxiety in order to acknowledge his elation and joy that he would get the Lego set he wanted for his birthday. 

Perhaps my gift would pale in comparison; but I rejoiced with him and allowed him to show it to me online; talking about how great it is and how long it will take to assemble and we even watched a video of how the landing gear and wings move!!  

Oh my -- it is a fantabulous gift -- bet you can hardly wait for your birthday?

Later, when we sat together on the couch, he said something about being excited to get that present and to spend his birthday putting it together… "I wouldn't change my life here for anything. I love you, Mom."  Along with a sweet, gentle hug.

All my fears were gone.

I didn't remember how tired and sick I felt. (Or panicked when I realized he would need songs downloaded... so I stayed up until 1am to download his favorite playlist from my iTunes.)

I didn't bemoan the fact that he would not be with me for Thanksgiving/his birthday.

There was no person to out-give or birthday present more precious than that single moment in time – words can heal the soul.

Now if only I could wake up feeling healthy in the morning.

HonuGirl

Mmraw!

Healing cats ~ photos courtesy of Sandy ~ CityFarmGirlz

Wish there were warm kitties here now, healing = good!

Who needs upgrades?

Today, I compared myself to my computer; well, maybe it's a contrast really, but it's funny nonetheless. 

I know.  I'm weird that way... can't help that, just bear with me, I'm blogging.

Before now my computer and I were market competitive -- well, sort of.   

Not really or necesssarily that recently.    Whatever.

Let's just say a couple years ago I was not and the computer was.   I think somewhere along the way we traded places.  It became less marketable or uhh valuable; then certain circumstances and self-discovery changed that truth for me.

Prior to today I would say my memory was similar to my computer; available on the hard drive, but retrieval ... sketchy  at best.  However, a friend installed new RAM for my computer and now I have become the slower comodity while the computer speeds beyond my reasonable skills for recall.   Darn, sure wish it was that easy for me too.

Of course, my coughing hurts way more than computer software glitches... of that, I am quite certain.  I feel confident that my miserable headache, body pain, and congestion outweigh computer viruses any day; which is why computer technicians (or friends in my case) don't get paid as much as doctors.  We just can't live without them and love them dearly (really, I do).   

However, we both get to play games with the boys (maybe it's the other way around... hmmm).  Although, I'm sure I have more fun than the computer; since I'm also the one who tells the boys when to STOP playing with the computer... yeah, well that's probably an unfair comparison anyway.

What I do know is that we both could use an updated video card.  I'm constantly squinting to read and my computer is not quite sure it can suck enough power to do its job without further assistance.

Well, there you have it... in computer terms, I'm not gona move very fast on the craig'slist site, but on the other hand - I'm somewhat frustrating, mildly entertaining, yet useful and fun to watch compute. 

I would like to think I am the advanced model... since I get to leave the desk, don't sit long enough to get dusty, am not damaged by heat, can use water without freaking out (sort of), magnets don't adjust my memory,  and am not required to get upgrades for me to function well (although . . .   some are worth considering); AND most importantly I actually get to wear the shoes I shop for online!

Hah... try that computer!!   

Guess I do need to put in a request for that video upgrade soon -- I'm having trouble reaching the keyboard as I lean back to read...   yikes!   

HonuGirl

So much to say...

Jason and I started something new a while back… 

We share a journal - having conversations on paper as we trade it back and forth.  

 

They almost always end with “I love You” and his final request… “Please answer all my questions in your next entry.”

 

Isn’t that a heavy request!  

 

Luckily his questions are fairly easy …

  “where did you get this pen?  I like it.” 

“can I write in on this page?”

“I wonder why it’s called it a ‘dragon’ fly?”  (next to his lovely drawing of one)

“What would it be like to own a daycare?  Would it be hard? Or would it be easy as making pancakes?”

 

“Did I tell you what I want for my birthday?  … {followed by a list of his top requests}

 

Several pages back I was re-reading his entry with interest as suddenly I was forced to question… did my son really write this?

 

As my eyes followed his scratchy writing left to right and down the page…

they stopped at the sentence before last one, it’s on the left side… 

my heart gave pause as I re-examined the statement…

It was haphazardly tucked between sweet comments about the Wall-E movie and a description of a school poster he saw while waiting for bike safety –  this wonderful gift:

 

            “I’m also glad that you understand me, Mom.”

 

He turns 11 on Thanksgiving – one of many things for which I’m grateful! 

HonuGirl

Suddenly suffering...

I was not prepared for this illness I caught.  

The week went by without one hint of such possible weekend demise.

Then came Friday:

There I was sitting at a Starbucks {drinking a Peppermint latte} waiting for a text from my girl-friend.  She was coming home from a business trip; her husband was driving her home from the airport.  I was meeting them at their house with fixings for dinner -- they were running late!  

Well, I guess I sort of had a hint while driving across town; I was talking with my little sister by phone on my way to dinner and complained about a tickle in my throat.  

I was fine --  just a weird tickle, which I thought sipping my favorite beverage would resolve.   

Augghhh -- beware of the throat tickle -- it's a wicked preamble to something so much worse.

Later that night, after dinner conversation with friends, my throat felt like sandpaper.

I had planned on staying overnight anyway... but I didn't feel like driving home either.  We all hoped the next day I'd feel better. 

Uhhh-huh.   

AND on Saturday morning...

I opened my scratchy eyes to a cat who was sharing my heat (Bella).  Shortly after, I realized the rest of my body was in a full-on refusal of pain-free movement.  Ouch.  Ohh, yeah... I ached from head to toe.   Ugghhh.  

Mid-morning... 

I finally managed to become vertical; I made my way to their kitchen. Unencumbered by the need for makeup a hair brush or toothpaste...  just searching for some hot liquid for my throat.

Oh what I'd give up  for a cup O' tea I exclaimed, dramatically --  entering the presence of my friends as I promptly took my place on the couch near the fireplace and pulling the quilt up to my neck.

Mr. P, a typically kind, adoring man-spouse was brave enough to comment on my not-particularly-healthy appearance (not exacty his words... but I'm not gona quote him).

I wasn't prepared with a nice reply; but a grunt and nod was the best I could offer.   He said he wasn't quite sure which hand, uhh... finger gesture he might get with his comment, but then again I pride myself in being unpredictable.

At noon...

My girly-friend, Sandy, fed me homemade soup and hot tea.  So I taught her how to create a blog...  yeah!  Hey, even sickly drugged and with daggers lodged in my throat I can use a computer.  Well, teach someone else how to share their thoughts on Blogger!!  

I was so tired I had to nap. 

Early evening...

I awoke with a cat snuggling against my backside.  Okay, she was trying to heal me Sandy predicted - cats do that - dont'cha know?!   Hmmm, they are particularly special cats.  I took my medicine Umcka, it's almost as good as sleeping with cats.

More computer stuff with girl-friend... I don't remember, exactly.  I hope she remember's how to login.  

We ate dinner; I just can't remember anything more than the fireplace and quilt and something about photos... she hadn't downloaded her camera (I stopped counting at 790). 

Since I had not an ounce of energy to drive, I stayed over again.  This time a fuzzy kitty (Tuffy) was there to tuck me in and stayed ALL night.   

It must have been the cats, as by morning I could function well enough for a shower, make-up; quite luckily my toothbrush and coffee actually tasted normal again.

However, doing so zapped nearly all my energy.   Yet, I managed to drive home; turn on the wall heater; grab a quilt and uhh... rest.  

Blog.  Rest more.  Introduce yet another friend, Tony, to blog.  Rest. Finally finish this post.

The weekend went by without my being cognitive of much -- other than friends, quilts and cats that heal -- quite suddenly a new week begins...  while two friends have someplace to blog!!

HonuGirl

Listen to the voice…

Do you ever realize after the point of no return that you should have listened to the sage advice of your inner voice?

 

You know the little voice that says 'take the long way' – even though the map program says there's a shorter, faster better way – where you will ultimately discover the traffic is deadlocked …

That tender voice that warns you a millisecond before you allow something snarky to escape and you find out as the words leave your lips why you should've left it alone…

Sometimes its kind enough to prove that consequences would have been far more effective if you had listened more and talked less…

Oohhh, THAT voice?

 

It was present this morning… while I drove talking on my cell phone (with headset of course) answering questions for my brother.

Yep. It was all good. I had no reservations during that conversation.

It wasn't until …

in that moment of truth when talking with someone else I expressed myself (contrary to my inner voice prodding)… yes, I simply blurted my opinion on what was said to me earlier. . .

 

I've struggled all day with the resultant aftermath . . . why doesn't that voice choose to simply scream LISTEN TO ME!!!!

 

Words are like toothpaste – quick & easy to squeeze out … but tough as heck to mush 'em back inside.

HonuGirl

UNCLE…. I give; seriously; enough!!

How do you know when too much of a good thing is just… too much! 

If I counted the number of movies watched this weekend, the bowls of popcorn and candy consumed… I would have to claim my status as completely CRAZY.

 

However, as I look around my place… I see a relatively clutter-free floor (yea, I have two boys – I'm not quite done with my Lego blog yet).

 

From here I see a newly introduced front entry unit with neatly placed boy belongings; shoes aligned just below, close to where they are supposed to be (hmmph)… organized storage bins with supplies, reading lists, library books, and teacher notes all prepared, signed sealed and back-packed for school. Whew!

Both boys are sleeping!

Since I can't see the kitchen counter, I won't even suggest that I haven't shined my sink or cleared the dishes from the last snack for boys.

But I know the laundry is caught up – including the blanket that needed washing after a bloody nose the other night.

 

The weekend was busy. Crazy busy.

Friday night Jeffrey had an overnight play date with his best friend. Jason and I stayed home together. We laid on the couch, in its hide-a-bed form, where we watched a movie with popcorn a number pieces of Halloween candy (only 3½ pounds left – yea!) and juice (usually not allowed after dinner).

What a cool kid. He said he'd massage my feet and my shoulders for me – uhhh, okay!

Hey, I'm never one to turn down a good thing especially if it comes with a movie, popcorn and candy – hurray!!

I kid you not; this boy has potential to make it as a professional LMT. He did exactly what he said. Massaged my feet -- guaranteed they would feel like marshmallows.

Turns out; he's quite good. He even reveals his moves; as he holds my foot showing just how he will... "press right here – feel that, it's a pressure point, Mom." AGHH… yes, matter-of-fact it IS a PRESSURE point thank you! Wow. Nice ok. A little less force on them there pressure points, kiddo. 

After just a little rest, it is hard work after all; more popcorn, candy and laughter over hilarious sense of humor – not to mention a very funny movie. My shoulders were next – his hands are small enough to actually get to the one spot under my right shoulder blade where I keep all the tension from typing in terribly non-ergonomic positions.

It was a painfully pleasant relief when finally he finished sharing those pressure points he'd skillfully learned from a fictional book of characters who taught massage (yes, research proved it to be truly from a book – how odd).

Oh… then I returned the massage for his neck and shoulders (feet – no way, too ticklish) and he talked about how he'd like to have a professional massage. And we agreed that I would call Cousin Allen to ask him for a 'kid massage' for Jason.

We stayed up a little later than usual for a Friday, but went to bed with our funny bones tickled, blood sugar that was certain to cause comatose sleep, relaxed neck shoulders and at least one set of tootsies that – as guaranteed – felt like marshmallows!

Saturday after Jeffrey came home; Jason's best friend came over for a play date. I took them all to a movie. We had pre-paid for tickets at school for the whole family… how exciting. Oh look, there's more… popcorn, soda, candy and another hysterically funny movie.

Jason was invited over to his best friend's for the night; leaving me and Jeffrey. I'll skip the part where I literally passed out from too much candy and popcorn… slept for two hours and finally recovered; just in time for yet another funny movie.

Ask me why too much of a good thing is just TOO MUCH?

Right after I tell you that I had a couple homemade lattes, I ate ice cream, caramel popcorn (Munch & Crunch or something – with peanuts – that's a protein right?). Okay, I'm realizing why I felt so sick… uggh!

Yes, this time I think I had a glass of wine or was that two?

Really cute movie – Kung Fu Panda – very funny. I got another foot massage – however, Jeffrey hasn't read the same book; so no pressure points. Definitely didn't want me to massage his feet or shoulders … he just wanted candy, ice cream and juice. Oh my gosh, have I lost my mind?

Well, I certainly wasn't making good parental choices while eating popcorn, ice cream, and candy all weekend; maybe it was the massage or the wine – nothing bad happens from lattes (didn't even keep me awake). Still am not sure what I was thinking.

 Falling into bed comatose afterward… yep, completely wiped out.

 

Huh, that explains why Jeffrey slept 12 hours!!

Story is that Jason only slept 1 hour over at his friend's house.

 

- - - -

Sunday is a really rough day at our place. I thought I wouldn't be able to piece together why a really good weekend went very bad. 

Turns out… you can OD on movies, massages, and munchies. Do not try this at home – it really isn't worth it. We were grumpy all day long! Grrrr!

HonuGirl

In memory …

A Missing Dash

I stood at the cemetery overlooking the flowers I'd just placed on their graves. The orchids I selected would have pleased her for sure – they were her favorite flower. For him, to be remembered at all would be a blessing – my presence alone would have wrought smiles.

 

For a moment I admired how nicely the grass had grown in to cover the unattractive dirt rectangle I remembered from my previous visits. It had been so hard to place the flowers in the holders, bending forward there was no mistaking the earthy odor of fresh dirt on the grave. I know it would have been offensive to her to see such an ugly brown patch untended through the winter months, and puddles of rain turned muddy during the spring showers… it was a bright, warm day and finally the grass had grown to a lush, dense green and had spread evenly across both their graves. She would have been pleased. After primping the flowers I stepped back to take in the contrast from the green of the grass to the multi-colored bouquets that now brightened the space where their headstones would be.

 

So much time had passed; yet the lacking marker was another reminder that even in death we cannot make others act on our priorities. I knew it was ordered… I had so hoped to have one more piece of evidence that their journey in life would be marked permanently in stone. The length, at least, is noted by the dash that holds the place between dates of birth and death. Alas, their journey was over, but no stone… no dash.

 

It was at that moment, after taking in the sights, smells, and sounds that suddenly my knees went weak, my eyes filled with tears, and attempts at speech were futile – oh, not for loss of words which were flowing rapidly in my mind, directly from my heart.

 

Tears poured uncontrollably as thoughts burst wildly through the peace that existed moments before. Suddenly, I wanted time back – to tell them how much I miss hearing their voices on the phone; to say how empty I felt without the hugs we always shared to greet each other. They certainly would understand how I longed for a few more hours on their couch sharing stories and awaiting words of wisdom or the witty quotes and jokes that always made me smile. I wished I could hear each say my name one more time – I truly miss the unique way it sounded when it left their lips. I had rarely stopped to think that one day I would no longer feel the same warmth or joy I had always experienced in their presence… to feel genuinely at home, deeply loved and always their own.

 

Although, genetically… I was not their own. They had many daughters by marriage, but their own sadly didn't survive; hers was an extremely short dash. Somehow, through many years I remained 'theirs' by more than mere association. It was through an unconditional love we couldn't sever and a soul connection that would shake me to my core when their lives were disrupted in any way.

 

It was then I actually prayed that I could speak with them, as I desperately wanted to express that our amazing soul connection did not dissipate when they left – it remained ever present in my heart – now shared with members of their family.

 

The tidal wave of tears finally subsided as the memories took their place to comfort the ache that had stolen my peace. The solace of truth was enough… their pain is gone, they remain eternally united, they have accompanied their own daughter, who waited a very long time to welcome them to their heavenly home. It was selfish of me to want them to stay.

 

So, in the loving, joyful voice they'd always known from me, I spoke my heart and departed with the same words I always said when I left them… "I love you!" Indeed, it is my consolation that those words were spoken often between us and that they were the last words they heard me say before they left this world.

 

God continues to restore my peace about the missing dash for my loved ones. Whenever I need, He reminds me that He loves them deeply, they have no cares now, He completes their stories, and that soul connection… it's His reminder to me that love has no boundaries!

 

Life is a journey we live the dash, never truly prepared for the pain of losing the ones we love or the immense empty space that exists without them. Live well, laugh often, and love always as if the dash ends with your parting words.

 

"I thank my God upon every remembrance of you." Philippians 1:3 (KJV)

 

from the heart of an almost-sister, sort of daughter, and soul/friend connection for a lifetime…

 

HonuGirl