Today's entry...

A exerpt from the past...  

Safety Zone

Is there a place you go to protect yourself from life’s harsh realities, the world’s negative news or even your own emotional pain?  Granted, it’s not healthy to linger in a safety zone, but we all have our moments where we certainly want, even need to rest there.

 

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning a complete loss of self… body, mind & spirit in this zone.  I definitely have my place of spiritual calm and have relied on more than one spa visit or masseuse to rescue my body, but there’s a mental haven where I find escape while the world around me takes its separate path. 

 

Yes, a safety zone for some may include bottles, pills, or toys … but that aside, left to your own devices, where do you go?  While you’re thinking, I’ll share mine.  This is an internal place where there’s complete silence, truly free from outside noise; no chatter from friends, demands from family members, ring tones from phones or clicking of a computer keyboard … hmm glorious. 

 

I simply envision a small, opaque exclusive bubble that surrounds me as I think; a hint of purple glows inside.  If I concentrate on the bubble itself my eyes begin to focus on tiny green specs moving across what seems to be sand… it is sand, oh so sweet a vision, hundreds of sea turtle (fondly called “honu”) hatchlings are slowly finding their way to the sea.  It’s their first fight for survival, to reach the sea is safety, and to succeed is to live!

 

My first thought – Live.  Inside my bubble I meditate on Friendship, Grace, Courage, Peace, Trust, Confidence, Power, Choice, Fear, Regret, Loss, Patience, Freedom, Harmony, Faith, Laughter, Desire, Love, Joy … not a complete list, all part of my secret, hidden world that lays open for examination. 

 

Why meditate on Fear, Regret, and Loss?  Often what I don’t understand, or take time to consider, creates more confusion than actually looking straight at it and calling out its weakness.  Oddly enough, the bigger it seems when I turn away, the more trepidation it creates, and the more likely I am to try to avoid an encounter.  That’s why I include the painful with the pleasant… its called Wisdom, Experience, the Past all good things to ponder.

 

Thoughts of Blessing, Family, Health, Wealth and Gratitude are also sprinkled midst the walls of my bubble.  It’s a safe hideout for sure… that’s the only way to find what thoughts are worthy to share after my retreat.  I’ve learned that randomly blurting precious words is to waste them, especially if they fall on the ears of Pride, Insecurity, Hate, Blame, Anger or otherwise unsafe listeners.  An encouraging, caring listener is who to look for when resuming reality.

 

To trust yourself while you retreat completes your momentary escape – actually, isn’t that the very reason we need to utilize the safety zone – restore self trust.  We have forgotten to trust what our spirit confirms to our minds.  We have allowed other sources to dissect our truth and ultimately lose our will to fight.  Don’t wait… go now, take whatever time you need to locate your truth, align your thinking, strengthen your resolve and fight to live.  

Take your path to the sea like the hatchlings… swim little honu… succeed… LIVE!   

HonuGirl

Ugghhh...

Whew… that rock was heavy

 

Hello blog friends,

Aren't you glad I crawled out from under that rock in time to write this blog?

Hope your expectations weren't too high... I'm simply letting you know I'm still here.

There are potential blogs to be shared; however, they currently reside in a directory named "unfinished blogs".

I'm hoping for a spark of inspiration ... which typically hits me around 2am when I'm too sleepy to type; if I did type, my blog friend, you'd  wonder why I switched languages half way through.

Thus, I'm sharing today that I remain alive, aware, amazed...

Please check back -- I'll be writing about it soon!

HonuGirl

It’s a conversation, not combat…

Self-control would be helpful.

 

He’s robust… taller than his peers, by at least six inches; has a solid build carried by feet currently sized at a manly 9½.

 

He’s outgoing and friendly… no one is a stranger; always lending assistance to others.

 

He’s articulate… expresses his thoughts and opinions with anyone willing to listen

 

He’s confident… gives oral presentations without fear.

 

He’s respectful… walks around the car to open my door; extends a hand for support.

 

He’s creative and artistic… loves to write fantastical stories; invent, design, and create; drawing pictures to express the many facets of his stories, designs or emotions.

 

He’s a guy of tender spirit… acknowledging heart matters more than life’s tasks.

 

He’s intelligent and smart… academics seem easy; common sense is natural.

 

He’s witty… loves to share stories and quips to make others smile, giggle, and laugh out loud.

 

He’s affectionate… holds my hand on the couch reading books, during movies; and says “I love you” frequently.

 

He’s a great, no an incredible writer… anyone reading his stories is awed by his talent.

 

He’s only weeks away from being 11 years old… on Thanksgiving Day. 

 

He’s a man in the making… shoe size, body odors, and preadolescent interests publicize the undeniable proof.

 

 

He’s my son… it brings tears to my eyes.

 

 

Not only the sentiment in that statement.  But so much more.

 He’s my son...

Acknowledgement. Gratitude. Identity. Acceptance. Pride. Reminiscence. Relationship. Compassion. Delight. Love.

 

~

 

Friday was his school conference.  Revealing, as usual, his brilliance.  He’s advanced in every subject.  Completes his work ahead of time.  Excels in reading and math far beyond grade.  (Not intended to sound like bragging.)  

 

The given description frames a picture of a very confident, talented, kid with a lot of potential being unveiled.  Written this way intentionally to ensure you fully understand how I felt during his late night revelation.

 

 

My heart sunk as this son (almost my size) ended his long, tearful disclosure with “Mom, it’s just hurts.” 

 He’s my son…

Love. Rescue.  Protection.  Combat. Anger. Frustration. Sadness. Worry. Comfort.

 

… and a little of “don’t you dare” just for kicks!

 

 

How can any peer look up (literally) at my son and say “I think you’re stupid;” or tease him about caring for the special needs kids and his defending others, as he is big enough to ward off potential harm to them.  

 

Yet, this courageous giant in my world has a wounded spirit.   Hmmph!

 

Then with a sniffle, he continued sheepishly… “Mom, sometimes I want to punch them in the nose – but I know it’s wrong.”

 

Truth is… me too!!  

 

~

 

I know how he feels, I feel the same way and… I’ve found that those peers of childhood grow up to be adults who use words as weapons.  

 

They use conversations as battlegrounds and remain combative toward open-minded ideas.  Rather than learn to develop a positive self-concept they throw daggers at others with intent to wound or sting; thereby avoiding potential intimacy or personal responsibility.

 

Grrr.

 

~

 

So there he sat on the couch pulling in his bottom lip and blinking away the last of his tears. 

 

I guess it comes down to being courageous enough to know who you are and what that means to you, not them.  Not everyone can face themselves in the mirror and say I like me enough to let you know me too.  When I accept me… I am open to accepting others.

 

However, sometimes in combat or conversation we have to pull out a shield and arm ourselves with a confident self-concept to defuse the weapon of words being used on the battlefield.   You must follow the rules of engagement set out at school… be kind, safe, and responsible.

 

Maintaining a lot of self-control to not punch someone in the nose.

HonuGirl

Peek-a-Boo!

This is what I get for trying to take a picture of Jeffrey's new haircut.

Better luck next time.

Then he says:   "Mom, you're distracting me from my homework."

Yeah, what-ever!!   Pffft!

Celebrations...

Maybe if you hum something... 

This is my first slide show!

NaKysha helped me celebrate my birthday last month.   

I bought her a present, since she's too young to buy one for me.

Jeffrey loves to lick the frosting so he stayed near the cake.

Jason... hmm; he was the much needed photographer -- you know how that goes.

Hope you enjoyed my first attempt at entertainment.

Right, I agree.  Next time I will add music - I couldn't find the song I wanted in the right format.

My back-up was a bust - I think Miriam and KL have had just about enough of  "If You're Happy and You Know It."  *grins*

Yeah, next time ... a song would be nice.

HonuGirl

Cheap creativity...

$1, a movie, and a sweet kid.

On Sunday I took the boys to visit grandparents; my Dad & Mom 45 minutes south.

My goal when we visit GPs is to see how long I can keep the boys engaged with family, food, games (any available toys or projects) and grown-ups before they "BEG" to go watch "cable" TV.

Truth be told, they are deprived kids -- I don't subscribe to cable at my house.  

Too bad, so sad, bummer and all that, but I honestly haven't discovered the cable benefits outweighing the peace of mind.  PBS shows end before dinner... nice eh!?

I digress.

Alternate entertainment options are always necessary to keep 'da boyz' attention off the TV.   

This time they had earned movie time for GP's house.  

Even so, I wanted/needed to spend a little extra time with my visiting sister-in-law (wheee - girl time) so I tossed them each a pack of pipe cleaners (hey, they were colorful and only $1).  

Usually, I return to messages shaped as  "I [heart] U MOM," and airplanes, bikes or stick figures doing "weird" stuff. Not this time.

"Here, Mom" Jason said.  "It took me half the movie to make this"... he finished as he pulls his hands from behind his back exposing his creative ability to charm his Mom!!!    

Hmm... sweet kid + $1 = more reasons to watch a movie - NOT cable!

HonuGirl

Like lightning ...

or was it snails? Today's profound statements from a 10-year old were spoken after a curious Mom inquires why the boys who loved school now hate school; which somehow was their excuse for being grumpy: “Things change, Mom… sometimes as fast as lightning or as slow as a snail. But change happens.” Later that hour: “What I said earlier, about change – it’s a true simile, Mom… even my attitude can change from bad to good just like that.”

Really?? hmmm.... glad to hear it!!

Gaining perspective...

Today is a gift. I knew they were getting married. Although I don’t know them well, they are family. My cousin’s son and his new wife were having a reception. I didn’t go; I was committed to another event. My parents called to tell me it was lovely; how nice it was to visit with family. However, they felt sad that the bride was unable to participate in the events as her headache was severe; incapacitated she rested in the back room. Later in the week they call again to say, they received an update call from my cousin sharing that after the receiption they took the bride to the emergency room as she had not felt relief from this excruciating head pain. After numerous tests and x-rays, the doctors discovered a tumor on the brain. After this news – the marriage excitement, joy, even the honeymoon, was over. The request for prayer was announced. ~ I imagined being 26 again. Finding my true love; planning the wedding, finally betrothed, we begin the first few hours of married life.

Twenty-four hours later… I stand in the ER hearing the news that life-changing surgery is imminent for my soul mate; a tumor threatens the life of this person I love most. The one to whom hours ago I promised myself completely; agreeing always to love, encourage, protect, and share the rest of days together – now, I can offer nothing (tangible anyway).

I can’t protect, help, heal or trade places – helplessly, I wait with parents and in-laws wondering, what now?

It's surreal.

Surgery is over. Awaiting biopsy. Helpless again.

Pray for courage and more strength. Whatever the challenge... we are promised the strength to proceed.

Next step -- more waiting.

Pray for good results.

~ Suddenly I'm reminded me of the many conversations I’ve had this week with friends… complaining of my frustrations, my circumstances, even my headaches.

Now I sit with heavy heart. I cannot even compare my simple worries of life, lack of sleep, skipping workouts, and other stresses to real life-changing health challenges. ~ Today I wrote and sent cards to a few people in my life; including my cousins.

Spreading gratitude, love and encouragement... to some people who have been faithful to stand strong with me over many years.

I commit to pray for others. I commit to care more about others than myself.

I commit to sharing love in words and actions with people in my life.

I commit to expressing how important each one is to me. Today I start with you. You are an extraordinary person. No matter how far apart we are – you are special. You are loved. You are fearfully and wonderfully made. I am blessed to have you in my life. I thank God for you! In the vast and amazing universe you are important to me. May you appreciate your life more today. Express openly your love to family and friends.

Always remember… you are a gift to me!

I love you!

HonuGirl

Tune in below... when Jeffrey says:

"Can I use your camera, Mom? I want to shoot the moon."

Jeffrey shoots for the moon -- Whoo Hoo!!

Score!

Cuteness points . . .

I downloaded my camera today ... here's what I found ... "New" picture of my niece ... and Miss Kity. 'Tis too cute for words Do I get still get cuteness points it's a week old... yikes. I commit to being more faithful with photos. In the meantime, check out my friends at Farm Suite and Katie's Calamities who are more faithful to post their photos!! =) Love to all . . .

Coincidence? By design...

I wrote an email few days ago... It was composed to an addressee whom I’ve never met. My email shared a brief story; I secretly hoped for a swift response. Perhaps a little information in return. I had bravely included my subtle query about a chance of our meeting and my phone number. Wednesday already; I checked email. No reply yet. ~ I gave the boys no options on church tonight. They were not so happy about that announcement! It would be their first time to a mid-week service at this church. I honestly can’t blame them for such hesitations – changing churches isn’t any easier for kids than grown ups. Well, at least as grown ups we understand why certain changes have to occur. Kids {mine anyway} are simply related to the reason for a change and now have to follow where they are led. This particular week I had made a commitment to go -- to church that is. I had a purpose and a plan; therefore, standing on principle I'm taking them to mid-week service. The drive to church tonight was shorter than on Sunday; less traffic, less frustration. That’s good – think of another positive. As I try to pretend I can’t hear them complaining in the back seat, I'm secretly praying God also is ignoring the ‘strong worded’ discussion the boys are having. Another stop sign, another intersection gives me a moment to pause; my thoughts are brief, but heavy. Am I parenting like a Sergeant today? I recall the evening events. A quick self-evaluation assures me that the answer to that is – NO! I didn’t scream, use profanity, or put them down; in fact, I didn’t even command them to go to church. Conversely, I simply stayed silent. I have learned that occasionally, if I wait long enough before speaking, a really wise statement forms, moves over my tongue and flies gracefully past my lips. Thus, when I heard their first arguments, I was quiet. I waited. Hmm. Nothing bright flashed across my brain. That brief silence was merely an opening for what I can only describe as a litany of rather skillfully, logical, well-articulated reasons why it would be “dumb” for them to go to church on a school night. Hmmm. plausibly I could only wait a or two moment longer without words. Oooh the numerous ‘not so wise’ things were making their way over my tongue toward the front of my mouth. When without warning I was startled by the sound of calm, pleasant confidence as I heard myself voice these words: “Well guys, when you’re 18 you’re welcome to decide where to drive yourself on a Wednesday night; until then, I handle the calendar; and my car will be leaving for church in 10 minutes.” Now, I realize (unsuccessfully ignoring the back seat commentators) they are rudely blaming "someone" for and discussing the details of how much unhappiness this event is bringing to their lives. I’m grateful this light is green and I can swiftly turn into the lot and park the car. ~ The walk into the building goes well - they are distracted by the Hot Wheels they brought (just in case). Each inquires as to whether classes are available or will he be ‘stuck’ sitting with me. As if that would be an option that brings me *joy* right now. Ugh. I pull it together as I am handed a flyer and pleasantly welcomed by a chipper greeter (clearly her kids are grown and she didn’t force anyone to join her tonight). I inquired about classes for the boys; to my chagrin, she shares that there are only middle school and high school classes tonight. Ohh no! No, no, no – this is not possible!! I am simply unable to believe such a thing. Will you please direct me to someone who knows for sure? I manage to temporarily maintain my resolve. Certain to not even make eye-contact with my boys. She steps away as I convince uh… remind myself that “all things work together for good.” Breathe! My migraine from earlier threatens and throbs at the base of my neck and behind my eyes. Grrrr. ~ Wait; what’s that I heard her say? who? My ears are now carefully tuning into her conversation with a tall, causally dressed, confident young guy. Did I hear her right? I step closer, proceeding to join their discussion. Nice. She is courteous and offers introductions. As I shake his hand I say my name, followed by… “I emailed you a couple days ago; these are my boys. I'm glad to meet you.” ~ Gratefully, I watch this guy, whom I've just met; engage the trust of my boys in seconds. *sigh* I breathe again. I hear him 5 feet ahead of me assuring them that tonight they will have a blast; then he guides them to the appropriate room. ~ Turns out… afterward the boys beg for this to be an every Wednesday night event – hmmm? No litany of dumb reasons for them to stay home comes to mind. So I agree they can add it to our calendar; I chuckle as I say… “but I’d better drive.” ~ There is no such thing as coincidence for me. Thank you very much! God designed this moment for my life. Peace reigns.

HonuGirl