H o n u g i r l What, not another one??
I have made a great number of decisions to arrive right here, right now. Sitting at my age, in this chair, at this computer, with two kids (hopefully sleeping), as I write this blog... about decisions.
Difficult or simple; successful or faulty – each decision has its own private path to present.
For instance being a mother consists of a gazillion + 1 decisions. (Uhhh, starting with becoming one – but I’m not EVEN going there). Who knew that being a mother would include psychology of the strangest kind, unrealistic curiosity about the simple things, creativity of the culinary kind, the patience of that Old Testament guy, Job {or a good dentist for repairing the ground down enamel on teeth from NOT speaking her mind when there’s so much to say, but nothing uplifting for offspring ears}… AND another thing … why isn’t there a test to prove that she can handle such things prior to making that first decision to ‘become’ a mother. Huh???
My experience with avoiding decisions has proven that I don’t like making them. But, I’ve also learned (from my vast experience in avoidance) that my lack of making a decision still creates a consequence… it’s the opposite of Nike’s “just do it”. Also it’s the difference between making things happen and watching things happen. There's always been SOMEone standing nearby who gladly makes the decisions when I hesitate; well, there used to be.
In my lifetime, to say I’ve avoided making more decisions than I’ve made, would be sadly accurate.
Yet. In the past two years I have made so many decisions my head spins to recall even a few of the small ones – I'm too tired to think of the biggies.
Today, I made ONE. A big one – today I started a new path.
Okay, well I made more than one; some were less significant than others but still important. It was a split second deicison made while driving to work: I chose to skip the latte and drink tea... when I drove past Starbucks {since waiting in the line would make me late for work}.
This morning I answered a question at work presented by my manager (revisited from Friday) – as I gave him my affirmative answer I watched him step away with a delightful boyish grin. Who knew?
It may seem obvious to some people that moving up the corporate (or State) ladder is a good move. But I honestly needed time to think about whether I wanted more. Yes, more money, but more responsibility, more phone calls, more influence, more opportunities, more … umm, DECISIONS (not more hours – same hours, to that I would easily answer, no!).
That was what would hold up my answer. Decisions. Do I sell myself short and not apply because it’s more comfortable to avoid – rather than make – decisions. Maybe this is that time in my life where all roads lead to create the person I was meant to be.
I have always wanted to be a person of influence. But when it comes to the first step… I teeter on the edge of the foothold and would rather stay uncomfortably on the edge than take that fearful step off to the possibilities of a successful outcome.
Not today.
Today, along with at least 200 seemingly everyday decisions I made as a Mother (wait they are everyday things) I slid one foot off the edge and took a baby step forward.
Now if I can just move the other foot forward tomorrow I might actually enjoy a latte at work!
A Missing Dash
I stood at the cemetery overlooking the flowers I'd just placed on their graves. The orchids I selected would have pleased her for sure – they were her favorite flower. For him, to be remembered at all would be a blessing – my presence alone would have wrought smiles.
For a moment I admired how nicely the grass had grown in to cover the unattractive dirt rectangle I remembered from my previous visits. It had been so hard to place the flowers in the holders, bending forward there was no mistaking the earthy odor of fresh dirt on the grave. I know it would have been offensive to her to see such an ugly brown patch untended through the winter months, and puddles of rain turned muddy during the spring showers… it was a bright, warm day and finally the grass had grown to a lush, dense green and had spread evenly across both their graves. She would have been pleased. After primping the flowers I stepped back to take in the contrast from the green of the grass to the multi-colored bouquets that now brightened the space where their headstones would be.
So much time had passed; yet the lacking marker was another reminder that even in death we cannot make others act on our priorities. I knew it was ordered… I had so hoped to have one more piece of evidence that their journey in life would be marked permanently in stone. The length, at least, is noted by the dash that holds the place between dates of birth and death. Alas, their journey was over, but no stone… no dash.
It was at that moment, after taking in the sights, smells, and sounds that suddenly my knees went weak, my eyes filled with tears, and attempts at speech were futile – oh, not for loss of words which were flowing rapidly in my mind, directly from my heart.
Tears poured uncontrollably as thoughts burst wildly through the peace that existed moments before. Suddenly, I wanted time back – to tell them how much I miss hearing their voices on the phone; to say how empty I felt without the hugs we always shared to greet each other. They certainly would understand how I longed for a few more hours on their couch sharing stories and awaiting words of wisdom or the witty quotes and jokes that always made me smile. I wished I could hear each say my name one more time – I truly miss the unique way it sounded when it left their lips. I had rarely stopped to think that one day I would no longer feel the same warmth or joy I had always experienced in their presence… to feel genuinely at home, deeply loved and always their own.
Although, genetically… I was not their own. They had many daughters by marriage, but their own sadly didn't survive; hers was an extremely short dash. Somehow, through many years I remained 'theirs' by more than mere association. It was through an unconditional love we couldn't sever and a soul connection that would shake me to my core when their lives were disrupted in any way.
It was then I actually prayed that I could speak with them, as I desperately wanted to express that our amazing soul connection did not dissipate when they left – it remained ever present in my heart – now shared with members of their family.
The tidal wave of tears finally subsided as the memories took their place to comfort the ache that had stolen my peace. The solace of truth was enough… their pain is gone, they remain eternally united, they have accompanied their own daughter, who waited a very long time to welcome them to their heavenly home. It was selfish of me to want them to stay.
So, in the loving, joyful voice they'd always known from me, I spoke my heart and departed with the same words I always said when I left them… "I love you!" Indeed, it is my consolation that those words were spoken often between us and that they were the last words they heard me say before they left this world.
God continues to restore my peace about the missing dash for my loved ones. Whenever I need, He reminds me that He loves them deeply, they have no cares now, He completes their stories, and that soul connection… it's His reminder to me that love has no boundaries!
Life is a journey we live the dash, never truly prepared for the pain of losing the ones we love or the immense empty space that exists without them. Live well, laugh often, and love always as if the dash ends with your parting words.
from the heart of an almost-sister, sort of daughter, and soul/friend connection for a lifetime…
A exerpt from the past...
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not condoning a complete loss of self… body, mind & spirit in this zone. I definitely have my place of spiritual calm and have relied on more than one spa visit or masseuse to rescue my body, but there’s a mental haven where I find escape while the world around me takes its separate path.
Yes, a safety zone for some may include bottles, pills, or toys … but that aside, left to your own devices, where do you go? While you’re thinking, I’ll share mine. This is an internal place where there’s complete silence, truly free from outside noise; no chatter from friends, demands from family members, ring tones from phones or clicking of a computer keyboard … hmm glorious.
I simply envision a small, opaque exclusive bubble that surrounds me as I think; a hint of purple glows inside. If I concentrate on the bubble itself my eyes begin to focus on tiny green specs moving across what seems to be sand… it is sand, oh so sweet a vision, hundreds of sea turtle (fondly called “honu”) hatchlings are slowly finding their way to the sea. It’s their first fight for survival, to reach the sea is safety, and to succeed is to live!
My first thought – Live. Inside my bubble I meditate on Friendship, Grace, Courage, Peace, Trust, Confidence, Power, Choice, Fear, Regret, Loss, Patience, Freedom, Harmony, Faith, Laughter, Desire, Love, Joy … not a complete list, all part of my secret, hidden world that lays open for examination.
Why meditate on Fear, Regret, and Loss? Often what I don’t understand, or take time to consider, creates more confusion than actually looking straight at it and calling out its weakness. Oddly enough, the bigger it seems when I turn away, the more trepidation it creates, and the more likely I am to try to avoid an encounter. That’s why I include the painful with the pleasant… its called Wisdom, Experience, the Past all good things to ponder.
Thoughts of Blessing, Family, Health, Wealth and Gratitude are also sprinkled midst the walls of my bubble. It’s a safe hideout for sure… that’s the only way to find what thoughts are worthy to share after my retreat. I’ve learned that randomly blurting precious words is to waste them, especially if they fall on the ears of Pride, Insecurity, Hate, Blame, Anger or otherwise unsafe listeners. An encouraging, caring listener is who to look for when resuming reality.
To trust yourself while you retreat completes your momentary escape – actually, isn’t that the very reason we need to utilize the safety zone – restore self trust. We have forgotten to trust what our spirit confirms to our minds. We have allowed other sources to dissect our truth and ultimately lose our will to fight. Don’t wait… go now, take whatever time you need to locate your truth, align your thinking, strengthen your resolve and fight to live.
Take your path to the sea like the hatchlings… swim little honu… succeed… LIVE!
Live From Your Heart!
Your skin may be the largest organ of your body – but it is merely the surface; the part that others can see of you. So much so, that a joke or a smile can disguise great pain on the inside.
Your skin is but a shell of yourself. You are charged to protect it, to care for it; you may even go to great lengths to maintain a youthful appearance. It’s lovely that your shell can be attired with expensive clothing, perfected by stunning makeup or adorned with exquisite jewels – but does this make you truly alive, engaged in life?
Does all that provide any indication of what it’s like to really live?
Often we smile on the outside when we are hurting inside. This is necessary for a time… when a positive expectation or attitude can yield positive results or an effective outcome. It should not be allowed to hide your truth for a lifetime – hiding will begin to destroy your self trust.
We must not allow ourselves to be confused by 'good attitude' over authenticity!
Live from your heart!
Your heart is unseen by others – not a large organ but without it you cannot live. To disguise what resides there, may reap disastrous results.
Your heart is the core of your being … physically, emotionally, spiritually. You are trained by experiences whether good or bad to guard or share it, hide or expose it, close or open it – doubt or trust the heart’s response.
If you guard, hide, close or doubt yourself from your core, you may find that your heart is no longer engaged in reality. Then you will die certain death, because without a heart the body cannot survive and similarly without engaging your heart – you cannot truly live!!
Matters of the heart are a delicate topic, as people rarely find it easy to expose their true selves – honestly identifying that they have been wounded in the past by another person’s words, deeds or attitudes. It’s not uncommon to want to be strong and assume that continued endurance is reflective of great strength. In believing only that, we then begin pretending that the way we chose to deal with our heart is common…
doesn't everyone live this way?
Conversely, when we are faced with feelings of love for someone we initially are afraid to let down our guard and openly risk the truth of the heart. Worrying whether we should be first to admit the depth of these feelings. Do you risk exposure of the unguarded heart? What if the truth is not well-received or worse, not reciprocated? We doubt our worth to be loved, we hide what we truly feel, and could ultimately close the door to authenticity again.
I submit that the risk to be authentic is worth the price you must pay to achieve it. Even if it brings with it unsettling fear, a daunting journey into uncharted territory or worst of all rejection, you will experience life – authentically.
It is then that you will see the contrast. A bitter-sweet perspective. You can feel the pain because you are alive... the worst pain you "feel" on any given day is better than being numb for the rest of your life!!!
Being alive to feel the pain, you can also truly feel joy or love or pleasure.
Hold onto the hope that one day you may find the true identity of love without limits… unconditional and fulfilling. The small details of life will begin to have meaning, bring pieces of clarity, and understanding – the picture develops more clearly all the time.
Feel the fear… do it anyway.
The look in the eyes of another when you are first to risk your love is a beautiful thing. The truth lived well brings new faith; a hope that things to come will be better than that which you have lived so far.
Choose to live authentically – take a risk; find the joy of living from your heart!
j.entry 7.4.2006
Where the heck is it?
I am desperately looking for a pressure relief valve. Got relief?
No kiddin'.
I am about to blow off the steam and somebody could get hurt. =\
What pressure you say?
Let’s see.
That self-applied, stressful kind… pushing me to accomplish, succeed, inspire, achieve… “just do it” and “be all you can be.”
ALL = be everything to everyone. (aka ... pressure cooker)
Yes, that’s it! Nothing too big to tackle. Hah!!!
Suffice it to say, I have maintained a positive attitude more often than not (really).
I've held the line when my grip was weak.
I've stood in the face of adversity when it was easier (not better) to succumb.
And for the most precious and amazing thing: I've found the gleam of childish delight behind the eyes of two boys, whom I've never known so authentically.
Personally speaking, I avoid the victim role. I’d rather be a heroine in the story.
I want to uplift, encourage, believe in, support and yes, rescue others from their lowest places.
I want to make a difference.
Leave a legacy.
Be a person of influence.
I want to overflow with blessings so that I can share the excess with anyone I touch.
~
Today is Tuesday.
I’m lost in thought. I ponder what image will be reflected in when life's puzzle is complete. It is my desire to create the image as it was meant to be for this new family unit of three.
I am barely able to admit I have been feeling minutely discouraged; my vision is blurry.
Yes, a wee bit whiny even (voice sounding slightly discontent).
I’m happy. No mistake. I’m grateful.
Although I am frustrated that my rose-colored glasses are tweaked; darn lenses appear old and yellow and every thing is a creepy color… worse yet, and I am not very fond of yellow.
While looking at life through those yellow lenses – difficulty is easy to identify.
Life’s challenges loom like treacherous mountains. The prospect of change feels as impossible as extreme sports would for the non-athletic.
Just like a pressure cooker with no valve – hey, still looking here!
Then come the hurdles of unanswered questions – how? what if? when? why? where? seriously?
Oh fine. Since I’m being honest.
Prepare for the whining: but I want to… it would be easier if … that will take too long… do I have to… whahhhhhhhhh!
~
Tonight I will remember to wear my tooth guard for grinding.
So long, treacherous thoughts of Tuesday.
Tomorrow, I continue my search… without glasses!
"Lord, can I get some help on that pressure relief valve! Seriously!!"
HonuGirl 
"Ohh, I think I will have that cool pyramid one & a latte please”
There I stood about three years ago next to my spirit Sista. She was buying chocolates for her wedding anniversary and sharing brief “girlfriend time” with me… she had only enough time to visit during the shopping, selection and purchase process; but something made her suggest we sit and indulge.
Mmmm. Moonstruck Chocolate Café
I love you, Mom!
Was this, like um… a date?
I had fun. Can we do it again sometime?
Only let’s go to the mall;
You can hang with me at the science store (Imagination Station)
Then I’ll walk around with you at the gadget store (Storables/Kitchen Kaboodle,).
